I am in love with this man. He is old and crass and brilliant.

'It's not pleasant to die on the cross,
It is much more pleasant to hear your name whispered
in the dark.'

I watched City of God . I don't know how people write those long- drawn deeply insightful reviews.
Here's mine: I liked it a lot. A lot. A lot lot.

I feel like a horrible willing subject of social construct.
Also, I cleaned the fridge today, threw out food with objects growing on it and played with a lot of very dirty ice.

Love seems to do very strange things to people. It makes me very very curious.

I can't seem to write more than 11 words.

'I grow old . I grow old .
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.'

And I steal.

Will you marry me?
Please.

I'm reading Elmore Leonard and laugh everytime someone gets gruesomely murdered, raped or has a lot of money stolen. I feel horribly nasty. i wonder if this says something about me.

Also, I fear my grammer and similar other language-skills have gotten awful. Awful. Awful.

My need for anonymity is falling through.
The need to be recognized grows. It worries me.

I feel my dependence for that unknown stranger, who walks in and wants me, growing.

Oh well, I'm only human.

Anuva did this to me. People don't seem to like it. I do. It makes me feel wanted.

10 years ago
I was 11, scrawny and looked like a boy. I wore correction shoes that were big and ugly, and spent large amounts of time avoiding people. I was your average student, your average sportsperson and your average friend. I could have died and nobody would have realized, till the shoes began to occupy too much place.

5 years ago
I was sixteen. In the tenth. I had three people to call my own. We watched a lot of TV, refused to do any homework and were the rebels who nobody needed to worry about. I was constipated and unaware of the need for a cure, happy with boredom and television. I could have died and nobody would have realized. I didn't even have the shoes this time.

Last year
Last year was quite brilliant. I felt nice-looking and intelligent and let a lot of people see the insides of my body. I bought my first padded bra, met a lot of people I wanted to be and decided that I didn't need to make too much money to sustain myself. I lost someone I cared for and discovered others I wanted to. I felt more confident than I ever had and spent large amounts of time watching movies alone. Also, I felt love.

Yesterday
Yesterday was fun. I used free internet in Cubbon Park and smiled. I spent two hours with pipes in an art gallery making up stories on how they represent changing urban landscapes. And then I got very drunk on expensive alcohol which people decided to give me. And, I made money. All in all, a happy day.

5 yummy things
Masala dosa
Anything with cheese, corn and mushroom
Mint chocolate fudge.
His neck.
Anything I make.

5 songs I know by heart
I refuse to answer questions that require knowledge of music.

5 things I'd do if I had a lot of money
Buy a house right in the middle of the city so I never have to travel.
Buy a house in the hills where I can pretend to go to find myself while I hide in the middle of the city.
Better public transport.
Enough food to last me a lifetime.
The rest I'd give away to people I liked.

5 places I escape to
My dad
My sister
Home.
The internet.
My head.

5 things I'd never wear
A sari, a tie or any uniform. Never again.


5 favourite TV shows
Seinfeld.
Will and Grace.
The Practice.
Desperate Housewives.
The empty screen. I love the televsion.

5 things I enjoy doing
Reading
Watching TV
Lying
Leaving things incomplete

Favourite toys
Pen and paper.
various parts of my bodies.
stories I make up.
my memory.
a few friends.

I tag.
Moon Lit Lake
M
Slippy

He is trying to occupy my mind again. Moving the finely designed rows to provide space for himself. I hope the rain pours down and wipes all memory out.
pitter patter.

*empty grin*

Random self- defacing thought: Its been 10 months and 23 days-odd since my body felt any form of carnal pleasure.

I want
happiness and world peace
men with good grammer
liquor chocolate
freedom
a face with no pimples
large amounts of sex
some love
fancy panties
a faster computer
money
no traffic jams
more sleep-time
a large inheritance
to enjoy boredom.

Flattened at the stomach. Allowing the ribs to peek into this world, where shame is a virtue.
I hold onto your fingers, pushing them into your body. So as to push shame quitely. Outside. You.

Helena Bonham Carter is beautiful. She may be my new most-beautiful person.

I feel non-gendered and asexual. Its a feeling of great deprivation.
Some day I will fly away and hide behind the clouds. Away from people and mouths and eyes.
When it rains I will have to fall with them. Then, however, I will not need to hide anymore, for by the time I reach the ground I will be dead.

I was made an offer that I shall not refuse.
I shall not jinx it.